The Time I gave out “Condoms” on Halloween

You know those things in life that at the time feel mortifying, but as time passes, you begin to see the humor in them? For me, this was one of those times…

I will be honest. I don’t put all that much thought into what candy we give out on Halloween. I just insist that if its chocolate, it has to be ethically traded chocolate. Not hard to find. My husband thinks my insistence on this for Halloween is a bit over the top, while I think not doing it is hypocritical, since its all we buy otherwise.

A couple nights before the holiday, I bought a couple of bags of Halloween chocolate squares from a Fair Trade brand. Sure, its a little more expensive, but we really don’t get many trick-or-treaters and spending a few dollars more on Halloween candy isn’t going to break the bank. I think it actually tastes better than some of the cloyingly sweet cheaper options.

Halloween night, we were heading to a party at my parent’s house and wouldn’t be home to pass out candy. So I planned to dump the bags of chocolate in a bowl, turn on the porch light, and leave the bowl of candy on the stoop. We were in the process of rushing out the door (late as usual), but when Tim saw me holding the bowl of candy he said, “Are those condoms?!”

What is he talking about? I began scanning the ground for something that might look like a condom, but he provided the clarification himself. “Is that the candy? It looks like we are giving out condoms to elementary school kids.” He looks at me as if trying to ascertain whether or not I have gone off the deep end and decided to make some inappropriate safe sex advocacy statement to young, costumed children.

I never would have thought of that when looking at the plastic wrapped chocolate squares, but as soon as he mentioned it, I couldn’t get past their resemblance to condom wrappers. Embarrassed, I encouraged him to try one in an attempt prove that they are in-fact chocolate.

He picked one up to verify that it is indeed not a condom and shook his head. He concluded, “Every parent is going to look at that bowl and think ‘What the heck?!’”

I lamely tried to defend myself with some stupid statement about Fair Trade candy having fewer options and that “kids don’t care – candy is candy.”

Tim whole-heartedly disagreed.

At this point, we were extra late, so I plopped the bowl full of condoms – I mean candy – on the front porch and left.

When we got home, my supposedly indiscriminate, candy-loving trick-or-treaters had failed me. Even kids didn’t want my “condom candy.” The bowl was still completely full. Oops.

Next year, I am buying boxes of Nerds. Forget about chocolate. Lesson learned.

Tim: 1 point

Maria: 0 points

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